About a Baptized Baby and A Dead Queen – A Not-so-serious Story About Life and Death

Okay, okay.  I know that a “week-in-review” post is somewhat awkward when posted in the middle of the week.  But here it goes.

DECEMBER 3, 2006 – SUNDAY:  WIFELY DUTIES

Jher attended a baptism, errr, a dedication of the daughter of one of his many friends from college.  So it was a day of wifely duties for Bridget Jones.  Actually, my wifely steps (uy, pahiram muna, Toni! Hahaha!) began last Thursday, pre-Reming, when I helped my Mark Darcy pick out a gift for his godchild. So typically male of him when he kept on saying “pwede na yan” while I, like a typical female shopper, browsed with utmost patience and scrutiny through a selection of potential gift items before I came up with the “best” find.  Furthermore, leave it to the wife to make haggle for the price.  As in tawaran portion ito.  Anyway, got a good deal with free gift wrapping service and a card…in Divisoria ha?!  Hahahaha! Cheapangga?!?!?!

My role last Sunday can be synthesized with the “3 S’s” of wifeliness—simple, supportive, and subdued.  Yes, dahlins. I was simple. I wore an all-white ensemble in an effort to create the illusion of a blank canvass of which my Mark Darcy is the burst of color—the main feature.    And supportive I was, brothers and sisters.  Nothing beats a prepared spouse. I brought a big bag where I placed his gift, mineral water, an abaniko for emergency purposes, his wallet and phone, our camera (of course! One of my wifely roles is to photograph my husband. Hahahaha!), a kikay kit which contains an arsenal to battle oiliness (hihihi!)—basically just to have something to carry things with so that my Mark Darcy is in full stature while socializing with his friends and other kumares and kumpares.  Lastly, I was subdued, believe it or not.  Yes, my dearests.  I just programmed myself by saying, “this is my Mark Darcy’s moment. Let him shine.” (cue Bette Midler singing “Wind Beneath My Wings”. Hahahaha!)  So I smiled and laughed (sincerely, in fairness) and mingled with Jher’s college friends who are so warm, smart, witty, and funny as well!  Of course, while Jher was talking with the other husbands, us wives were talking about our respective husbands.  It may be medieval and gender biased but I had lots of fun.  I also loved the fact that the wives can be affectionate to their husbands (i.e. heads on shoulders, caressing backs, holding hands) while the latter were talking about guy stuff.  Took lots of pictures and shot a video of Jher participating in one of the parlor games. Ugh! Precious, precious! But the best picture of all was a picture of the Darcys with the baby, Lake Aine.  It stirred that maternal part of me which sparked discussions about having our own.  Sigh.

Overall, I had so much fun.  I managed to surprise myself that Sunday.  Mostly about my capacity to give up the limelight.  It was my Doreena Pineda moment. (cue orchestra:  Mabuti pa kaya’y maging bituing walang ningning…nagkukubliiii sa liwanag at kislaaap…ng ating…pa-haaaag- *prepares for big finish* i-biiiiiiig!!!)  Uuuuy, kumanta kayo…aminin!  Hahahaha!

DECEMBER 4, 2006 – MONDAY:  THE QUEEN IS DEAD!

No, not THAT queen!  Jher and I were on our usual Monday bus ride when we heard this news flash on the radio:  a contestant in a gay beauty pageant died last night after being electrocuted from a grounded microphone…(tries to be serious about the news about someone dying)…The gay contestant who was Contestant No. 3, was about to introduce himself as a pageant contestant, when he got electrocuted from (still tries to be serious)…the contestant of the beauty pageant died on the spot.  Pageant officials decided to postpone the pageant after the accident…(long pause from me and Jher…then laughed until we cried)

Oh my God!  I am so sorry for being so insensitive and evil to a certain extent.  Believe me when I say that my heart goes out to the family he has left behind.  If I will offend anyone or if I have offended you already, please forgive me…tao lang.  (and forgive me, my dear queen who is now in heaven with Gianni Versace).  But the thought of dying while competing in a gay pageant is too much to handle…and to be electrocuted?  Oh, dear.  The scenarios I played in my mind made me laugh and as of this writing, I still can’t help but laugh.  When I told my gay officemates about it, they laughed, thinking that I was joking.  When I said it was true, they laughed even more and played more scenarios as to what might have happened minutes before Contestant No. 3 came to the mic.  Who will not laugh at this possible scenario (and this is how they played it…with matching action):

Contestant 1: (shouts with glee) Mabuhay! (touches mic but feels a slight sting but continues to smile)  Ako po si Cherry Pie Picache mula sa…baha sa inyo, baha sa amin, baha sa ating lahat…(lifts shawl, raises hands, and shouts) BAHA-MAS!!! (sashays back to position but advises Contestant No. 2 that the mic’s grounded)

Contestant 2: (irritatingly) Gusto mo lang sirain ang gabi ko…(haughtily walks away from Contestant 1 and switches on big smile approaching the mic)  Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! (touches mic but feels a slight sting as well, decides not to hold the mic and continues to smile)  My name is Maricel Soriano…from the U.S. state where there is no growth gap…ALAS-KAAAA! (sashays back to position but advises Contestant No. 3, who was in a Thai costume with gold-plated metal fingers, that the mic’s grounded)

Contestant 3:  Niloloko mo lang ako, bakla, because I am a big threat to you. (approaches the mic) Sawasdee kha…(holds mic and wasn’t able to release it) (cue buzzing sound as Miss
Thailand sparks *kasi conductor ang metal fingers*)

Audience: (goes wild and gives Miss Thailand a standing ovation)  Bravo! Bravo!

Contestant 3 falls flat on the stage…silence from the crowd…then resumes boisterous clapping.

Audience:  The best introduction ever!  What a show-stopping performance! (chants)  Miss Thailand!  Miss Thailand!  Miss Thailand!

Sino ba naman ang hindi matatawa???  Humaba pa yan.  One of my officemates even said:  And the Miss Global Gay title is posthumously given to… (rolls in laughter). 

Another said, “at least maganda syang i-derecho sa kabaong…in costume, with crown, sash, scepter, and the microphone.”

At sabi pa ng isang babaeng bakla with so much naughtiness, “Ang swerte nya naman, she died na hawak ang microphone…”  (tama ba naman yun???)

And the ultimate bitch goddess said, “The moral lesson of this incident is? (long pause) BRING YOUR OWN MICROPHONE.”

I am sorry.  Sobrang walanghiya talaga ng mga bakla sa opisina.  Grabe.  Naku, if you’ll be mad at me, I understand.  I am sorry.  Tao lang talaga.  Read this article.

Basta.  At least, she (yes, “she”.  She has earned it, don’t you think???) passed away doing what she loved doing—in the line of duty:  a noble duty towards the promotion of beauty and freedom of expression.  She has proven to us that beauty knows no pain. With that, she really is a winner…

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23 Responses to About a Baptized Baby and A Dead Queen – A Not-so-serious Story About Life and Death

  1. nastypen says:

    juice ko, lord!!!! nakakaloka talaga ang mga bakla ano po? hay nakoh!

  2. manilenya says:

    naloka ako dito hindi sa nung time na halos mamatay ka sa katatawa nung malaman mo yung news kundi nung ikwento mo sa mga opismate mo…nakakatuwa ang mga gay kaya lang kapag ikaw na ang bida sa pinagkakatuwaan nila, kakatakot na lol!! ang gagaling mang okray e, minsan nakakamatay diba? aminin?

    double dead ang queen bigla lol!

  3. atticus says:

    hehe. ang mga aksidente sa atin talaga, sobrang third world. grrrr…

  4. jcdaclison says:

    nalen: hahahaha! double dead talaga? hahahaha! isa ka pa, mare! susme.

  5. jcdaclison says:

    atticus: shet, dapat pala mamatay ako na nasagasaan ng porsche o di kaya’y matamaan sa ulo ng nokia n93. chos. haaay, kaloka talaga si bakla. namatay na, umeksena pa talaga…

  6. jher says:

    mga impakta talaga kayo! hahahahaah. sumalangit nawa ang kanyang kaluluwa.

  7. Schizo says:

    Oh … My … Gosh!

    Mare, I don’t know wether to laugh or feel sorry for the guy.

    Imbis na sya ang magsabi ng “Off with her head” eh sya itong …

    Wag na nga lang =P

  8. Oy mare, salamat sa pagbisita mo sa akin ha. Palitan tayo ng mga recipe sa susunod. Kahit anong recipe… Kahit gayuma.

    Ang evil n’yo ha. Namatay na nga ang baklita pinagtatawanan n’yo pa.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Oh well. Bigla ko naalala yung mga bodybuilders sa bodybuilding contest dito sa plaza malapit sa amin. Music nila habang nagfeflex ay Celine Dion. “Because you loved me.” Wala lang. Sana sila na lang ang na-electrocute.

  9. br0wn_c0w says:

    Ang cute cute ng picture niyo!!! I love it!!!! Ang adorale ni Lake Aine!

    Naloka ako sa news na ‘yan ahahhaha!! Jusko, pero very tragic ang nangyari sa kanya!

  10. snglguy says:

    You can say that the contestant gave a very, ummm… “electrifying” performance. A very fitting swan song.😀

  11. ajay says:

    Miss ko na lahat ng kwento nyo. Sana magpakita kayo saken soon..regards. mwah!

  12. jcdaclison says:

    jher: babe, she is so lucky because she is now in heaven with style icons like audrey hepburn and gianni versace. the bitch beat us…

  13. jcdaclison says:

    schizo: wag ka mahiya, mare. ilabas mo yan. kung hindi, utot yan pag nagkataon…hahahaha!

  14. jcdaclison says:

    housewife wannabee: my new kumare! hello, hello! aba’y oo naman dapat lang magpalitan tayo ng recipe coz that’s what stepford wives do, right? hahahaha! hugs and kisses, dahlin! always drop by…

  15. jcdaclison says:

    brown cow: gurl, thanks for the comment on the pic of the Darcys. you are the only one who commented on that. sabi na at mao-overshadow ng lintek na electrocution story ang aking profound introspection on my wifely duties eh. pati sa blog ko umeksena pa talaga ang baklita. hmph. chos. nagalit? hahahahha!

  16. jcdaclison says:

    snglguy: it was indeed an electrifying performance. her acceptance speech as she accepts the posthumous award: First and foremost, I would like to thank Meralco… (rolls in laughter)

  17. jcdaclison says:

    ajay: mareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! susmaryopes! surely noh. lets meet up. sigure you have a new papa na. hahahaha! mmmmmmmwaaah!

  18. Lyka Bergen says:

    Sa totoo lang Misis…. kakaawa ang bading na nakoryente na yun. Di ako maka-sleep mamaya sa kakaisip nito. Di talaga ako tumawa. Seryos Mendez talaga ako.

  19. the comments and possible scenarios are hilarious. talaga po. though i thought the actual news was bizarre and heartbreaking.

    gay poets will be inspired. goodnight joan.

  20. Mekeni Rogers says:

    Certainly hilarious! I can’t totally be mad at you for making fun out of our ate’s untimely and freak demise. Well, we are not called gays if we don’t always see the funny side of things. Ewan ko ba’t ganon tayo. Tsugi na nga ang ate natin, eh magagawan pang gawan ng nakakabaliw at kwelang scenarios.

    Thanks for sharing this story, dahil I will share it also with my friends here in Riyadh. I’m sure, everyone will also come up with their own hilarious versions of the incident. Mga vaklah pa. May his soul rest in peace though.

  21. Mekeni Rogers says:

    Bago ako maunahan, ang iimpersonate ko ay si Ai Ai Delas Alas. At ang costume, Volta, di ba? Para lalong convincing ang drama at isipin ng audience part ng act yon. I’m sure, super applause ang aabutin mo(lol). Come to think of it, habang humihiwalay ang kaluluwa mo sa katawan, di ba ang sarap pakinggan ng hiyawan at palakpakan? Sorry for being too bizarre, katuwaan lang po.

  22. Lani says:

    Medyo nga nakakatawa ang nakakalungkot na pangyayaring ito. I know he’s happy now, tama ka, naging masaya naman siya sa huling sandali ng buhay niya dahil nagawa niya ang gusto niyang gawin.

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