Unleashing the Bitch Within

“Sometimes, being a high-riding bitch is all that a woman can hang on to…” – Vera Donovan, Judy Parfitt’s character in Dolores Claiborne

“Hwat are beaches for but to beach around weeth fellow beaches.” – Jennifer Cortez in “Temptation Island”

I am a happy person. Everyone who knows me knows very well that I spend my day smiling and laughing. I can actually change the name of my blog to “Elle Woods is a Man”. Hence, when I feel negative feelings, I struggle a little bit for this is somewhat a rarely chartered territory for me. Although at times I consider myself as a diva, I am a good diva in many ways but when the situation calls for it, I unleash the bitch within. This is usually manifested with walkout lines that would give Cherie Gil a run for her money. Example:

Two weeks ago, the dormant bitch was awakened by this…THING that resembled a woman…I was on the last trip going home and I just came from meeting with husband and I was pretty tired. I sat at the back of the bus and decided to just pull down the armrest so that when someone sits beside me, I would not be squeezed into discomfort. Then comes this girl, strutting down the bus aisle and waving to her friends and saying hi with her loud mouth. I decided to put on some music to drown her out. She decided to sit on the seats across mine. She then saw this hunky guy who just boarded and called him which I think is record-breaking coz I still heard her even though Mariah Carey was screaming in my ears via her song, “Emotions”. Fine, let it slide, Jerome. The guy sat with the girl and then suddenly, she reached over and restored my arm rest. I thought for a moment. Maybe she’s OC. So, I pulled it down. The girl then just reached over and restored my arm rest, then returned to talking to her man. My face began to feel hot. Fine, let it slide. I just pulled down the armrest again. Then a few moments later, the girl notices the armrest and she decides to restore it once again. I lost it…

ME: May problema ba? (Is there a problem?)

GIRL: (rudely and somewhat squatter-esque) Bakit mo ba kasi binababa?

ME: Eh ano ba’ng pakialam mo? Hindi ka naman ditto nakaupo ah! Makialam ka kung ditto ka nakaupo.

GIRL: (shouts at me) Bakla!

ME: (laughs) Is that your best shot? Honey, that is not even remotely an insult…it is in fact the truth! I’ll give you a lesson on insulting someone, k? Here it goes: YOU ARE CHEAP. From your 20-peso headband to your ill-fitting blouse and khaki pants screaming 50-pesos. You are an obvious flirt with your fake laugh and your supposedly-subtle touching of that guy’s arm and leg. You have a loud mouth which makes you an inconsiderate bitch since this is public transportation, this is not your private car where you can laugh out loud like a horny hyena. Now THAT’S an INSULT. It is just so unfortunate that you do not even understand what I am saying. So, if you know what’s good for you, this is my space for the meantime. You have your own space. Go back to flirting to that guy. Who knows? He might find something in you that is worthy of his time.

GIRL: (about to say something…)

ME: No, dahlin’. Don’t. I would not have a problem making this journey one hell of a nasty ride for you. So, just zip it. (puts back earphones, Meredith Brooks’s “Bitch” blasting oh so proudly)

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I am torn about this when I go to this dark side of mine…