Bridget Jones’s Guide to Dissing Colleagues and Getting Drunk (while still being absolutely fabulous)

Thank you for the comments in the spider entry!  Very intellectually-stimulating.  Chos!  Hahahahahahaha!  If you have noticed, I was not able to post an entry because I was busy organizing our unit’s Christmas party and spearheading the group presentation for the company Christmas party.  Yup!  I played event organizer, director, assistant choreographer, spinner (so 80’s. ang age group. lol), and stand-up comedian/host.  Why such daunting tasks placed on my shoulders, you ask?  Because I am a multi-talented homosexual. Translation:  EKSENADORANG BAKLA.  Hahahahaha!  But I had a blast, my loves.  It’s going to be worth your wait, my dear friends, because I have amassed lots and lots of stories.  Starting with our unit’s Christmas party.  To save time, as our manager said, let’s “bulletize” (<-hahahaha) the events that transpired last Tuesday:

• Christmas party started at exactly 7:00 p.m.  with dinner
• Exchange gift after dinner.  The Chief-of-party of one of our projects suggested that we form a circle and that one should “say something about his/her monito/monita” before handing over the gift.  My reaction:  “Doc, prayer meeting ba ito?  Baka gusto mo magsindi pa ng kandila.” Everyone rolls in laughter.  Okrayin ko ba naman ang Chief-of-party?
• Our Director was not able to buy a gift for her monito!  I took the mic from her and said, “sa barangay ka magpaliwag, leche.”  Everyone rolls in laughter.
• Drinking commences at 8:00 p.m.!  There was enough booze to devastate a town!  10 cases of San Mig light and 2 liters of Jose Cuervo tequila gold.  Ugh!  I tell you, it was an alcoholic’s heaven. Hahahahaha!
• Me taking my first two shots of tequila, off to the videoke and sang my signature song, “One in a Million You”, Regine’s “Shine” and Kylie Minogue’s “I Can’t Get You Out of My Head” to get things going.  Series of dance tunes that can be mostly heard playing in gay clubs followed…along with a series of tequila shots.
• Time for audience participation!  All of my colleagues performed.  I had to share the spotlight.  You know?  Give people a taste of the limelight? Chos!  Hahahaha!  Our managers, doctors, and officers sang their song of choice…after getting dissed, of course.  Imagine me, balahurain ang Deputy Chief of Party, Regional Project Managers, and our unit Director.  Only Bridget Jones can get away with it, dahlin.
• Flirting with Mikael, the hottie American expat who is also a staff of one of our projects, starts.  He was so gracious that he gave all the gay men and the girls (who are mostly gay. lol) the fantasy of taking a body shot! (everyone screams except me who remained calm and subdued and uninterested…*crickets chirp*)  Well, close to a body shot.  While doing my spiel, I said I needed another hit of tequila.  Mikael came over, handed me a shot glass and salt, and he sexily placed the lemon in my mouth!  Of course, (bedroom voice) I took it in like a real gay man.  (Hahahaha!  Ampangit pakinggan!)
• 9:00 p.m., I’m a little tipsy (little?) but energy level still in the heavens.  Booze is gone.  One of the doctors bought another liter of tequila!  Everyone rejoices!  Especially me!
• Second tequila came, a dare was posted.  Take 5 shots of tequila straight up!  Of course, I never backed out from a challenge (and free booze.  hahahaha).  My girl-friend took the challenge (mostly to impress Mikael.  Bitch.)
• After a few minutes, colleagues were confused because I disappeared.  They found me in the men’s room, i was leaning over the sink, my head under running water.  I puked my guts out.
• Gay friends and fag hag assisted me for 20 minutes.  I heard my other boss asking if I was alright, the Regional Project Manager (who I dissed earlier) laughing out loud (my karma), and our unit director (what’s she doing in the men’s room?) giving instructions to my gay friends.
• I was undressed by Reno and his boyfriend, Ian (whose theme song is Manny Pacquiao’s “Para Sa Yo” but will is yet to be official on January 8, their chosen “official date” because eight signifies “infinity”.  Yes, I managed to think of that while I was partially conscious.  Still dissing eventhough terribly hammered??? hahahaha!  luv ya, Reno and Ian), fag hag, Nilda, and tranny Nyl rubbing me with a hot cloth.
• 20 minutes under running water and puking my guts out, friends are beginning to get tired.  Reno was forcing me to stand up.  In true Bridget Jones fashion, while my head is dipped in the sink and under the faucet, I slowly raised my hand to him and bitchily said:  “Wait…”  Hahahahaha!
• Finally, Reno and Ian literally carried me to the male dorm at the 2nd floor (thank God, we have a dorm!)
• I woke up at 5:30 a.m. the next morning wearing a different shirt and a text message from husband:  NILDA TEXTED ME.  I ALREADY INFORMED TITA THAT YOU’RE DEAD DRUNK AND YOU’LL BE SPENDING THE NIGHT IN THE OFFICE.  AND BTW…I AM NOT AMUSED.  Me:  Uh-oh…
• Went to the restroom and called “Ralph” (puked…sosyal di ba?  It’s the Western version of our “pagtawag ng uwak”)…three times, dahlins.  Yuck.
• Called my mom and asked her if she could bring over some clothes (with specific instructions ha? lol) because I am hosting the company Christmas party.  Ganda di ba?
• Mom finally came with my hosting clothes (which you will see in my next entry) all the way from Laguna.  I just love her…

God, I had so much fun!  It’s a shame my friends did not take pictures of me puking my guts out.  Fag hag said it crossed their minds but decided not to.  I said:  honey, if it was you who is laying on a pool of vomit…I will immediately get our Canon 5 megapixel camera and shoot you from all angles. (lets out an evil laugh)

Next entry:  MY HOSTING STINT…