I rummaged through my “Dear God” journal and I found this particular entry which made me feel proud of myself with the new job, hopes of a brighter and more stable career, a more active social life, and being back on the saddle again.
April 11, 2004
Hi! For a long time, I haven’t had anyone to talk to about what I’m feeling these past few days. I mean REALLY talk about it. I’m afraid I’m depressed. No judgments! You’re the only one I can talk to without fear of being judged. Yup! I’m officially sinking into a Bridget Jones state. I would like to be honest now. It’s very hard to be 30, single, living with my mom, and a guy who has an almost-36” waistline. There. I said it. My idea of going out and having fun is having friends over with our usual love affair with alcohol (more of one-night stands) due to financial constraints and the fact that I can’t bear the guilt for spending money on gimmicks. My most intimate moments are with the TV. Cable has become my friend and foe. She makes me cry, feel better, and reflect. Wow! I must be really hitting rock bottom if I keep on with my relationship with her (I’ll kill myself if I reach the point that I would fuck my TV. Oh wait…I think I already have the been-there-done-that T-shirt after watching “Nagi-init” on Cinema One. *tearfully looks at the unopened Baygon bottle on the shelf*) Wait…what’s that I hear? Oh, it’s the loser alarm. Tsk! I can’t go out coz I’m burdened with guilt of leaving mother alone. It’s almost a given in my fuckin’ equation that I have to stay home since I don’t have a social life. Well, at least I have an e-social life. Friendster, MySpace, and FilipinoFriendFinder are there for potential friends and dates. But I can’t even snag a date. Seeing Jane date in the Hallmark movie “See Jane Date” made me want to strangle Jane. I hate Jane. She’s going out on dates. I can’t seem to ask someone out because I’m fat. Oh, dear! I’m losing my confidence and self-esteem. My job’s great but I feel I’m running into a dead end. My boss is a true scorpion in every sense of the word. I know she’s not gonna do anything to help my career. I hate this paranoia and low self-esteem. I’m a shrink for crying out loud! But I know you’re giving me signs. What to do???
Okay. Done playing the self-deprecating old person role. Time to re-focus. (It feels weird motivating myself.) I’ve put myself down pretty hard. In honor of Jesus’ resurrection, I acknowledge the fact that I have to regain my self-confidence. All the problems I’ve mentioned are a result of the Thirty-ish Angst. You’ve always taught me that with your grace, coupled with my ability to turn my life around, I’m gonna conquer these problems. You know I want to constantly better myself—so let’s get down with the “get down”:
PROBLEM 1: Low confidence brought about by 36-inch waistline
GOAL/ S:DIET! I did it before, I can do it again. WORK OUT!
PROBLEM 2: Social life (lack thereof)
GOAL/S: Talk to mom and Gilda about time out for myself. Look at budget.
PROBLEM 3: Career dead end
GOAL/S: Communicate with the boss. Scout for other positions. Explore [again] plans to put up own NGO. Ask for study and fellowship grants.
PROBLEM 4: No love life
GOAL/S: Beef up socializing. Don’t end up being alone! It’s either get married or swing the other way and be gay. (hehehe)
Well, well. I have my work cut out for me. But I want to reclaim myself. I lost it somewhere along the way and with your help, lead me to my own resurrection. I love you, my Lord.
FUNNY how things worked out for me. The journey continues……